
Kolumne: Frühlingsgefühle – Über die Liebe
Heute vor einem Jahr habe ich meinen Freund kennen gelernt. Und was für ein Jahr! Ich glaube, Corona hat einen großen Teil dazu beigetragen, dass wir uns direkt auf solch einer intensiven Ebene begegnen durften.
Ich habe das Gefühl, wir lieben uns gegenseitig von Tag zu Tag mehr und wollen umso weniger Zeit ohne einander verbringen. Nicht nur sind wir nach zweieinhalb Monaten zusammen gezogen – in eine Dreier-WG, in zwei verschiedene Zimmer – wir haben nach etwa acht Monaten entschieden, dass wir uns fortan sogar ein 15m²-Zimmer teilen möchten. Kann ja nur von Vorteil sein, sich auf so engem Raum so gut zu verstehen, wenn man plant, gemeinsam auf ein Segelboot zu ziehen… 😉
Dass wir uns manchmal gegenseitig nerven, ist, nach meinem Dafürhalten vor allem im Winter völlig normal. Streits gehören dazu.
Früher hätte ich vermutlich direkt angefangen, die ganze Beziehung anzuzweifeln, wenn es mal nicht so gut läuft. Mein Selbstbewusstsein war – gerade durch die eine oder andere toxische Beziehung – dermaßen down, dass ich meine Energie lieber darauf verwendete, meinen Partner auf ein goldenes Podest zu heben und mein gesamtes Leben nach ihm auszurichten. Darüber habe ich mich beinahe selbst vergessen. Diese krasse Selbstaufgabe, mein verzerrtes Bild von unserem Wir hat dazu geführt, dass mir nach und nach immer weniger bewusst war: Was davon bin eigentlich ich? Was sind meine Bedürfnisse? Wünsche, Träume, Ziele? Wo liegen meine Grenzen? Wohin führt mein Weg?
Ich habe dafür gelebt, meinem Partner das Leben leicht zu machen, im die Tage zu versüßen. Habe mich mehrfach finanziell und emotional ausbeuten lassen. Habe verlernt, mir selbst etwas Gutes zu tun, weil ich nur noch darauf bedacht war, das Beste für ihn zu wollen.
Um Missverständnissen vorzubeugen: Ich liebe es nach wie vor, die Menschen, die ich liebe – und allen voran eben meinen Partner – zu verwöhnen, ihnen etwas Gutes zu tun, für sie da zu sein und ihnen zu helfen, wenn sie es brauchen. Für ihn zu kochen, ihm Massagen anzubieten, ihm Aufgaben abzunehmen, um ihm das Leben zu erleichtern.
So bin ich – das ist ein enorm großer Teil von mir.
Aber: Ich habe im Laufe der Jahre – was beinahe mein halbes Leben beansprucht hat! – (wieder) gelernt, mir selbst auch mal den Vortritt zu geben. Mir etwas Gutes zu tun, mich zu verwöhnen. Meine Bedürfnisse wieder wahrzunehmen, sie lesen zu lernen und auch auf sie zu hören. Grenzen zu setzen, Nein zu sagen.
Ich kennen mich inzwischen so gut, dass ich weiß, wann ich meine eigenen Bedürfnisse zurück stecken kann und wann ich – manchmal auch unbeabsichtigt – meine Grenzen ausdehne. Von bedingungsloser Selbstliebe möchte ich an dieser Stelle noch nicht sprechen; so weit bin ich noch nicht. Doch ich habe mich auf den Weg gemacht und gehe ihn stoisch weiter, lasse mich nicht mehr von ihm abbringen.
Die Liebe ist einer meiner bedeutsamsten Werte – schon immer gewesen – und ich weiß heute: Dazu gehört eben auch die Selbstliebe.

Wenn heute jemand meine Grenzen überschreitet oder meine Bedürfnisse missachtet, führt das nicht mehr dazu, dass ich an meiner Beziehung zu diesem Menschen oder – schlimmer noch! – an mir selbst (ver-)zweifle. Heute versuche ich – und meistens (aber nicht immer) klappt das ganz gut – erst einmal in mich zu gehen, in mich hinein zu spüren. Detektivisch genau den Störfaktor zu erkennen und mich dabei selbst innerlich in den Arm zu nehmen, zur Ruhe zu bringen.
Und erst dann gehe ich mitsamt meiner gewonnenen Erkenntnis auf mein Gegenüber zu und kommuniziere.
Ich äußere meine Bedürfnisse und mache meine Grenzen deutlich. Bleibe so gut es geht bei mir und versuche mich in Gelassenheit. Ich lerne gerade noch, Vorwürfe und Kritik einfach sein zu lassen, denn diese führen der Erfahrung nach nur zu einer Verschärfung des Konfliktes. Da bin ich noch nicht, aber dahin möchte ich.
Alles ist ein Prozess, und ich bin mittendrin.
Inzwischen genieße ich diese Achterbahnfahrt bisweilen sogar.
Denn ich weiß ja: Ich wachse daran. Und wir wachsen als Paar zusammen, immer weiter, je mehr Konflikte wir gemeinsam und erfolgreich lösen. Diese Konflikte kommen nun einmal ab und zu auf, und daran wird sich, so lange es Menschen gibt, nichts ändern – allein, das zu akzeptieren, hat eine Ewigkeit gedauert!
Egal, wie oft ein Thema auf den Tisch kommt – und selbst, wenn es immer dasselbe ist –, wissen wir: An dieser Stelle sind wir einfach grundverschieden. Und statt uns darüber den Kopf zu zerbrechen, ob dies nun das Ende unserer Beziehung bedeuten muss, akzeptieren und umarmen wir schließlich die Andersartigkeit des anderen. Solange die Übereinstimmungen überwiegen, so sind wir gewiss, kann kein einziger Unterschied, den wir aneinander entdecken, uns auseinander reißen und unsere Beziehung nachhaltig schädigen.
Wir allein entscheiden, wie fest wir das Band unserer Liebe knüpfen und wie innig und fundamental unsere Beziehung steht und sich weiter entwickelt.
Frei nach dem Motto: „Growing together while growing together.“

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