
Kolumne: Mamas weinen nicht #2 – Unendliche Geschichte
Für die meisten Frauen ist Mutter sein die Erfüllung. Doch was ist, wenn die Vorstellung, die man hatte sich mit der Wirklichkeit bricht oder das Leben vielleicht auch ganz anders kam, als geplant? In dieser Kolumne geht es um den Spagat zwischen Muttersein und Selbstfürsorge, die Liebe zu den Kindern und dem Wunsch nach persönlicher Freiheit, dem Gefühl des Versagens und dem Anspruch an Perfektion. Kurz: um die Gefühle über die auf dem Spielplatz niemand spricht.
Und dann liegst du nachts wach und dir wächst alles über den Kopf. Du willst schreien, du willst rennen, ganz weit weg, so laut du kannst, doch du bist stumm. Du willst dir die Decke über den Kopf ziehen und nie wieder herauskommen, doch du liegst starr. Du starrst an die dunkle Zimmerdecke, krallst deine Finger in das Laken und presst die Lippen zusammen, während still die Tränen fließen. Dein Kopfkissen ist nass, deine Augen brennen, doch du weißt: morgen früh ist alles wie immer.
Du stehst auf, gehst duschen, ziehst dich an, machst das Frühstück, weckst die Kinder und bist stark. Du ignorierst die Müdigkeit und das kleine Gefühl tief in dir, das dich gestern Abend noch aufgefressen hat. Du hältst es klein, hier ist bei Tageslicht kein Platz dafür. Und du tust, was getan werden muss, denn du wirst gebraucht und auch geliebt, mehr als alles andere auf der Welt, auch wenn du dich nicht so fühlst.
Auch wenn diese Liebe manchmal droht dich zu zerreißen, sich nicht wie Liebe anfühlt, sondern nur wie eine Pflicht, die du zu erfüllen hast. Doch die Liebe ist da, jeden Tag, deswegen tust du, was getan werden muss am helllichten Tag und verschiebst die Tränen auf nach 22 Uhr, wenn dich keiner mehr sieht, wenn die Gedanken dich wieder einholen und dich alles zerreißt.
Auch diese unergründliche Liebe, die dich morgen früh wieder aufstehen lässt und dich tun lässt, was getan werden muss, denn du bist stark, auch wenn es sich nicht so anfühlt.
Hier kommt ihr zu allen Teilen der Kolumne "Mamas weinen nicht".

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Ich habe Germanistik und Kommunikationswissenschaften studiert, bin früh Mama geworden und habe nun zwei Töchter im Kindergarten- und Grundschulalter. Ich hatte in meiner Jugend schwere depressive Phasen bis hin zur Selbstverletzung. Ich habe mich dort selbst wieder heraus gekämpft, bin die Neigung dazu bis heute jedoch nie ganz losgeworden, sodass ich in schweren Phasen bis heute sehr stark emotional reagiere. Mein Partner hatte vor einigen Jahren mit Burnout und schweren Depressionen zu kämpfen, die ich als Angehörige miterlebt habe und mich selbst teilweise wieder in depressive Phasen gebracht haben. Da wir aber nun schon zwei Kinder hatten, musste ich stark bleiben. Heute geht es uns beiden wieder gut, das Gefühl der Überforderung und des Versagens als Mutter, wenn es dir nicht mehr möglich ist deine Verzweiflung zu verbergen, ist mir jedoch bis heute noch gewahr. Diese Gefühle möchte ich gerne teilen, um ein Tabu-Thema zu brechen.


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