Kolumne: Mamas weinen nicht #4 – Hakuna Matata
Für die meisten Frauen ist Mutter sein die Erfüllung. Doch was ist, wenn die Vorstellung, die man hatte sich mit der Wirklichkeit bricht oder das Leben vielleicht auch ganz anders kam, als geplant? In dieser Kolumne geht es um den Spagat zwischen Muttersein und Selbstfürsorge, die Liebe zu den Kindern und dem Wunsch nach persönlicher Freiheit, dem Gefühl des Versagens und dem Anspruch an Perfektion. Kurz: um die Gefühle über die auf dem Spielplatz niemand spricht.
Manchmal fällt mir die Decke auf den Kopf. Ich träume davon am Strand zu stehen, den Sand
zwischen meinen Zehen zu spüren und den Wind in den Haaren. Der Blick aufs weite Meer. Es ist
warm und ruhig. Niemand außer mir da, einfach nur ich mit mir alleine. Alleine…hach!
Ich träume davon während ich am Küchentisch sitze und versuche zu arbeiten, während sich hinter
mir das Geschirr stapelt. Ich träume davon während meine Kinder nach Hause kommen und die
Große vorwurfsvoll sagt „Hier müsste aber auch mal wieder jemand aufräumen.“ Mach doch, denk
ich eingeschnappt, aber recht hat sie, es stört mich auch, aber ich hab halt keine Lust. Ich behaupte
ich habe keine Zeit, aber eigentlich habe ich keine Lust und auch ein bisschen keine Kraft.
Ich habe Zeit, aber ich verbringe meine Zeit damit mir Sorgen zu machen, das kann ich nämlich richtig gut. Ich verbringe meine Zeit damit in die Zukunft zu planen, zu grübeln und zu verzweifeln, weil ich nicht weiß ob dieser oder jener Antrag noch rechtzeitig bearbeitet wird (weil ich die Frist wieder verpennt habe), während die dritte Mahnung schon reinflattert und mein Gott, das kurz vor Weihnachten. Ich verzweifle innerlich, aber lächle nach außen. Zumindest in die Gesichter meiner Kinder. „Lass uns Kekse backen“ sage ich und versuche mit meinen Gedanken hier zu bleiben. Es gelingt mir nicht. „Lass uns dekorieren“ sage ich, ich brauche das dieses Jahr früher als sonst, ein Highlight, Tapetenwechsel und die strahlenden Augen der Kinder. „Kommt, ich les‘ euch etwas vor“ sage ich und kuschele mich mit ihnen unter die Decke vor der warmen Heizung und weiß nicht genau, ob ich das nicht gerade viel mehr genieße und brauche als die Kinder selbst. Ich versuche mit meinen Gedanken hier zu bleiben, die Sorgen Sorgen sein zu lassen und die Kleine singt passend dazu unablässig „Hakuna Matata“ während sie auf der Toilette sitzt. Disney-Weisheiten aus dem Mund einer (auf Klo sitzenden) Fünfjährigen – ich sollte sie mir zu Herzen nehmen.
Ich mache mir Gedanken, Sorgen, ich grübele und davon viel zu viel. Aber manchmal, ja manchmal da bin ich einfach nur glücklich. Wenn wir Geschichten über die Liebe hören und ich die Kinder frage, was für sie eigentlich Liebe ist. Wenn sie dann wie aus der Pistole geschossen antworten: „Mit dir kuscheln“ und „Wenn ich zu Hause bei euch bin.“ Dann bin ich glücklich, genauso wie sie. Dann bin ich einen Moment sorgenfrei und mein Mama-Herz füllt sich mit Wärme und Dankbarkeit und dann weiß ich: das ist es wert. Dann weiß ich wieder, wofür ich all die Sorgen mit mir herum trage, sie in mir einschließe und dann bewältige – allein. Irgendwer muss das ja machen, damit die Kinder sorgenfrei sind, und das bin halt ich. Und ich tue es gerne, denn das hier ist ein Haus der Liebe habe ich gerade gelernt. Und Liebe hält viel aus.
Und noch etwas habe ich gelernt: Es muss nicht immer die einsame Insel im Pazifik sein. Für zwei Minuten alleine im Bad sein und Hakuna Matata auf der Toilette singen, kann auch schon helfen.
Hier kommt ihr zu allen Teilen der Kolumne "Mamas weinen nicht".

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Ich habe Germanistik und Kommunikationswissenschaften studiert, bin früh Mama geworden und habe nun zwei Töchter im Kindergarten- und Grundschulalter. Ich hatte in meiner Jugend schwere depressive Phasen bis hin zur Selbstverletzung. Ich habe mich dort selbst wieder heraus gekämpft, bin die Neigung dazu bis heute jedoch nie ganz losgeworden, sodass ich in schweren Phasen bis heute sehr stark emotional reagiere. Mein Partner hatte vor einigen Jahren mit Burnout und schweren Depressionen zu kämpfen, die ich als Angehörige miterlebt habe und mich selbst teilweise wieder in depressive Phasen gebracht haben. Da wir aber nun schon zwei Kinder hatten, musste ich stark bleiben. Heute geht es uns beiden wieder gut, das Gefühl der Überforderung und des Versagens als Mutter, wenn es dir nicht mehr möglich ist deine Verzweiflung zu verbergen, ist mir jedoch bis heute noch gewahr. Diese Gefühle möchte ich gerne teilen, um ein Tabu-Thema zu brechen.


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